Not So Inviting
by iloveit
Summary: Since when does the great Zelos have trouble sending a girl a mere invitation? Fifteen letters to Sheena and one letter to answer them all.


If Zelos Wilder heard one more thing about the Royal Ball, he was going to run away to Sylvarant and never come back.

Seriously.

Well, maybe not _seriously_ seriously, but you get the idea.

You couldn't go anywhere in Meltokio without hearing it mentioned these days. The ball was very elegant, very expensive, and very, very soon, so naturally it was the talk of the town. It was like that every year. But for the very first time, Zelos had found he wasn't looking forward to it.

He was tired of even thinking about it. Whenever he did, he pictured himself dancing with Sheena, her wearing the same knockout of a dress she'd worn to that banquet way back when. That is, if you could even call it a dress. Heh.

Funny how the only date he wanted was the one he'd probably never get.

In past years, he'd been content to take any pretty young hunny. He always wound up dancing with every girl in the room anyway, and it never upset his dates much. Most were content just to be announced with the Chosen as they came through the door.

He'd enjoyed the ball, if only because it gave him a rare opportunity to flirt with all of his favorite hunnies in the same night.

But now… oh, he didn't even want to get started on now.

Ever since he'd returned from his adventure with Lloyd and the others, things hadn't been the same. His thoughts had been Sheena this and Sheena that. He couldn't get a break.

He could barely keep his hunnies straight anymore. They seemed more and more like a nameless blur of Not Sheenas with every passing day. He still flirted with them, and it'd be hard to stop. He loved the attention they gave him when he won them over with his trademark Zelos charms. But he didn't feel anything for them. Not even a little bit.

He knew they were gossiping about him. A week from the ball, and he still had yet to invite anyone. Hardly typical, considering this was the event of the year. Most people had their plans laid out months in advance.

Not that Zelos could ever be considered "most people." He was the Chosen, for crying out loud. Or, he had been, but it didn't seem like he was going to shake the title anytime soon. He was known for it now, and he'd most likely be stuck with it forever. Might as well enjoy it. Just about any girl would drop their date without a second thought for the jealous stares they'd get by entering the ball on his arm.

Of course, if he wanted just any girl, everything would've been been set by now. He wouldn't be sitting in his study at some ridiculous hour of the night and staring into empty space.

He couldn't ask Sheena, could he? She had enough to deal with, what with Mizuho's upcoming move and all. She wouldn't want to come. Not to something like this. And what did he think he was going to do, anyway? Just send her an invite and hope for the best?

Well, it didn't sound much worse than many of his other ideas. After all, he'd never let her indignant and sometimes violent rejections stop his advances before. And if he just wracked his brain hard enough, then maybe, just maybe, he could work something out.

Zelos took out his stack of special rose-scented stationery and his favorite blue pen. If he was really going to send this, it'd have to be good.

_Congratulations!_

_I, Zelos Wilder, former Chosen of Tethe'alla, have chosen YOU out of thousands of hunnies as my date for the Royal Ball._

_This year's festivities will be taking place at_

…Yeah, like _that_'d ever work.

Zelos crumpled the unfinished letter up and flung it at the wall. He could think of a thousand different hunnies who would be overjoyed to receive the standard "I choose you!" note.

But Sheena wasn't one of them. Sheena was… Sheena. And where Sheena was concerned, there were a few major problems to address:

1) This was the Royal Ball he was talking about.

2) Sheena was _not_ a fan of that kind of event.

3) Even if she was, she wouldn't exactly be clamoring to go with him.

The bottom line was, if he wanted to take her out, he was going to have to try an awful lot harder.

So the generic letter was out. Well then, he'd just have to write her a personal one. It couldn't be _too _much of a challenge.

…Right?

_Hey gorgeous,_

_In case you haven't heard, there's a bit of a party going on in Meltokio this weekend. You think I could stand to go with any other hunny after you were so drop dead sexy at the last one? Not a chance._

_Mail me back ASAP. If I'm getting your dress made, I'm going to need your measurements._

_Zelos xoxoxoxox_

Then again, maybe he ought to rethink that. After all, that was the kind of talk that usually got him a slap in the face. Though he had to admit, the measurements thing was pure genius. He'd have to try that sometime on a much less violent hunny.

He wasn't about to give up that easily. He'd find a way to ask her without employing his expert flirting techniques that, for whatever reason, always seemed to fail on her. Even if he had to stretch the truth just a little. All was fair in love and war, wasn't it?

So Zelos wrote.

And wrote.

And wrote.

And a full hour later, he found himself slumped over a pile of letters in varying degrees of dishonesty.

* * *

_Sheena hunny,_

_You think you could be my date for the Royal Ball next week? All my hunnies in Meltokio got kidnapped._

_Zelos_

_P.S. I'm actually not one hundred percent sure about the kidnapping thing. It was just a rumor I heard about. So if it does turn out to be completely false, I'm not the one to blame, okay?_

_

* * *

_

_My Violent Demonic Banshee,_

_My life is too good. Everything is going way too well and my hunnies love me way too much. I'm actually starting to get bored of it all, so I thought I'd see if you'd come to the Royal Ball and smack me around a bit. If I get on your nerves as much as you say I do, you'll do it._

_You know you wanna,_

_That Idiot Ex-Chosen_

_

* * *

_

_To Miss Sheena Fujibayashi of Mizuho,_

_Please excuse the unkingly penmanship in this letter. My royal quill seems to be acting up._

_The Royal Ball is taking place in Meltokio this weekend, and I ask that you accompany the Chosen. Be advised that for these events, it is customary for women to wear dresses with low, plunging necklines and as little material as possible._

_I also ask that you refrain from hitting the Chosen, for this is seen as rude._

_Royally yours,_

_The King_

_

* * *

_

_Hey hun, how's it hanging?_

_Listen, so I accidentally said you were my date for the Royal Ball next week. I thought the King was asking me what kind of person would HATE the ball, or something like that. I mean, I know you're not a formal kind of hunny. Anyway, it's too late to fix now—they've already drawn up the seating plans. So suck it up and come to Meltokio. I'll get everything ready for you, just because I'm that nice._

_Your favorite person ever,_

_Zelos_

_P.S. Don't kill me if your dress is a little on the skimpy side. It just so happens that there's a fabric shortage in town right now._

_

* * *

_

_HELP!_

_Word is that some completely whacked-out guy who's coming to the Royal Ball is planning to assassinate me. If I could, I'd skip out on the event, but I'm way too popular for that. It'd ruin the whole ball._

_Anyway, I'd like to live to be 23, and having a ninja as my date would really help things._

_I'm too sexy to die like this._

_The very sadly endangered Zelos Wilder_

_

* * *

_

_Sheena, this is your heart writing._

_I have something very important to say to you, so make sure you don't ignore it. Seriously, listen to me, or you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. I'm your heart. I know this stuff._

_You love Zelos Wilder. You need Zelos Wilder. You want him to hold you. You want him to kiss you. You want him to take you back to his mansion, tear off your clothes, and do unspeakable things to you that are far beyond his wildest dreams… I mean, yours._

_You also want him to take you to the ball next Saturday._

_

* * *

_

_Hey! Sheena!_

_So I was chatting up this new hunny who works at the banquet hall, and something's been disturbing all the parties in there lately. She thinks it might be a summon spirit. Awesome, right? So I told her I knew a summoner who'd be more than happy to get rid of it for her._

_She says you can come Saturday at eight. Don't be late. By the way, there's a strict dress code in that place, so even though all you're doing is making a pact, you should probably come in formal wear. Stupid, I know, but you'll see why when you get there._

_Trust me on this one,_

_The Great Zelos_

_

* * *

_

_2 Shina_

_We R haveing a reunyin of R jurny. Its gona be at that billding in Mel Toke E O ware wee had that diner partie 1 time and U wor tha sexxi dres. _

_Dun leeve if U dunt C al of us rite away. Wee hav a long wey 2 travul N mite be lait. Jus relax N hang owt wit Zelos. Im shur hell be their urly becuz hes just awsum liek that. Hay, may B U shud dayt him or sumthin. I no I wud if I wuz a gurl._

_Frum Lloyd_

_P.S. Sory if thar R speling miss taks. U no Im nott 2 gud at skewl._

_

* * *

_

_Sheena._

_Remember that time Kuchinawa was about to kill you and I saved your life? It's time you paid me back._

_Royal Ball. Saturday. 8:00._

_Be there._

_Zelos_

_

* * *

_

_Sheena babe,_

_The theme for this year's Royal Ball is Bring Your Favorite Voluptuous Ninja Hunny Who Lives In A Hidden Village And Has Black Hair And Unknowingly Wears Clothes That Let You See Down Her Shirt And Yells At You And Summons Monsters And Fights With Cards And Travels Between Worlds And Seems To Want To Hit You A Lot. I can't think of any other girl who fits the description. _

_Do me a favor and go with me,_

_Zelos_

_

* * *

_

_My most voluptuous hunny,_

_The rich old woman down the street from me finally croaked, and you know what her last words were? She said, "My dying wish is for Zelos the Chosen to take Sheena of Mizuho to the Royal Ball." Weird, huh?_

_We'd better go. You wouldn't want her ghost haunting you at night, would you?_

_Zelos_

_

* * *

_

_To the Chief of Mizuho,_

_I have a favor to ask. Please, use that knowledgeable old man voice of yours to tell Sheena that going to the Royal Ball with Zelos the Chosen would be a very wise idea._

_Sincerely,_

_Somebody who is not Zelos the Chosen_

_P.S. I can pay you for this if you want. I'm about as rich as Zelos the Chosen._

_

* * *

_

_What's up?_

_I might as well get straight to the point. See, there's a new rule for this year's Royal Ball. Apparently the planner they hired for this one wants to shake things up a bit. Either that, or the King just really hates that new count who's been putting the moves on Princess Hilda. Who knows._

_Anyway, the thing is, no one's allowed to go with the person they're seeing. And since I'm sort of dating on and off with every other hunny in Tethe'alla, it looks like I'm taking you._

_I know you've probably never had a dance lesson in your life and you're gonna stomp all over my beautiful feet, but hey, I don't have a choice here._

_Looking forward to Saturday (I never much liked being able to walk anyway),_

_Zelos_

_

* * *

_

_Whatever you do, Sheena, don't come to the Royal Ball in Meltokio this Saturday. _

_No, seriously, don't. It'd make me really mad. _

_Don't ask why. I don't know why. All I know is that I'd be mad. In fact, I'd probably be so overcome with rage that I'd give up womanizing for good, and we both know how terrible that would be._

_So make sure you stay far, far away. Okay?_

_Zelos_

_

* * *

_

_Sheena,_

_Can you believe how long it's been since you last yelled at me?_

_Or slapped me in the face. I'm almost starting to miss it, crazy as it sounds._

_Maybe I really do. After all, there's something vaguely erotic about slapping when I think about it…_

_Eh, I'd better shut up now, or I'll never get you to read the rest of this._

_Thought I'd tell you about what's going on in the city. You know, because you're probably bored to death living out in the woods._

_Of course you wanna hear about my fabulous life in Meltokio, right? I know you do._

_The King's hosting the Royal Ball here on Saturday. It's the talk of the town right now._

_He does it every year, and it's always full of cute hunnies!_

_Even if my most favorite voluptuous hunny is never there._

_But I bet you're too busy to care about some idiot Chosen who misses you._

_And you probably don't need me to tell you anything, what with your crazy information network and all._

_Let's just end this letter, then, so the two of us can get back to our lives._

_Later, gorgeous._

_Zelos_

_P.S. Read this a few more times when you get the chance. I wanna make sure your not-so-well-endowed brain picks up the hidden message in it._

_

* * *

_

Enough was enough.

Zelos had nearly exhausted his supply of stationery, and he still hadn't written that one amazing letter guaranteed to bring Sheena out of Mizuho and into his arms in a skimpy dress. Oh well. He was tired, and that last one had taken a lot out of him. He could read them over in the morning and see if any of them had the slightest chance of working. But right then and there, all he wanted to do was sleep.

The next morning, as he made his way to his oft-unused study, the letters were nowhere to be found. He looked in his desk. He looked under his desk. He looked in the hidden compartment under his chair where he kept the kind of magazines he wouldn't want a visiting hunny to find by accident. There was nothing.

"Sebastian!" the frustrated Chosen's voice rang out throughout the mansion. "Did you happen to see a pile of letters lying around anywhere?"

His butler promptly appeared at the door. "Why yes, Master Zelos. As a matter of fact, I mailed them for you this morning."

"You _what_? I never said I wanted to send them!"

Geez. He would've been happier if Sebastian had thrown them out, or accidentally set fire to them or something. What was Sheena going to think of him when she got all those?

"My deepest apologies, Master. Pray tell me why you would take the time to write so many, then?"

"…Never mind. It doesn't matter. Are you sure you didn't forget to stamp them or anything?"

"Of course not. I could never overlook such a thing while in your service."

"Damn."

Zelos resisted the urge to bash his head repeatedly against the desk.

He was trying to think of any remotely possible way to get the letters back when something occurred to him. The postal service wouldn't know where Mizuho was, would they? They had no way of knowing. With any luck, the letters would sit in some mailbag forever until the poor postman gave up searching for the hidden village and decided to quit and become a lumberjack instead. Yeah!

Sebastian interrupted his personal celebration. "By the way, Master Zelos, this just arrived for you."

It was an envelope. An envelope addressed in Mizuhoan calligraphy.

Things didn't look good.

How did that work, anyway? You wouldn't even think they'd be able to get a letter to Mizuho, let alone send a reply back in a couple of hours. There was only one explanation. One of the mail carriers obviously hated him. Maybe the one with the cute wife he liked to chat up. That guy had never been too friendly…

_Zelos you idiot,_

_I bet you didn't think I'd get back to you so soon. Mizuho's information network is really nothing to joke about. I got your letters this morning. All fifteen of them. I know there's not much use for a Chosen now that the worlds are restored, but I had no idea you had THAT much time on your hands. Maybe you should get a job or something. Even if you don't need the money._

_Anyway. This letter should answer all of your stupid ones well enough._

_There's an old Mizuhoan saying that, roughly translated, goes "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." Bearing that in mind, there's no way all those obnoxious "hunnies" got kidnapped._

_I never thought I'd see the day when Zelos Wilder would voluntarily call himself an idiot. Good to know you've become so self-aware, though._

_Can't you go to jail for impersonating the King?_

_Even the most gullible woman wouldn't fall for that fabric shortage story._

_I'm surprised someone as arrogant as you doesn't think he can handle one little assassin himself._

_For the record, my heart tells me that Zelos Wilder is one hundred percent pervert. Especially after reading that. Honestly._

_I've found all the summon spirits. Nice try._

_Lloyd is not THAT stupid._

_It's not like I asked you to save my life._

_I seriously doubt the King of Tethe'alla would be willing to host a ball with words like "voluptuous" and "hunny" in the theme. And stop looking down my shirt._

_And lying about the deceased? That's low even for you._

_I may not be the most graceful person around, but I can handle my feet just fine, thank you. I'm a ninja. Give me some credit._

_Reverse psychology doesn't work on me._

_Oh, and your hidden message wasn't very well hidden. But at least you were somewhat honest for a change._

_The Chief says he got a letter from you as well. Just one, thankfully. Next time you're trying to ask me out, can you leave the rest of my village alone? I mean, not that I actually want there to be a next time. But you get the point already._

_So, I'm accepting your invitation, believe it or not._

_Now don't get me wrong, it's not because I'm dying to go with you or anything. I hate formal events. And I really don't want to know what kind of perverted behavior you get up to at these things. It's just that if I'm going to be representing Tethe'alla as the Emissary of Peace, I'd better make at least some sort of an effort to be accepted in society, know what I mean?_

_Besides, I kind of owe you, in a way. I haven't laughed so hard in a while._

_Be seeing you,_

_Sheena_

_P.S. I'll take care of my own dress. If I let you have it your way, I have a feeling I'd be walking into the Royal Ball naked._

_P.P.S. Don't ask me what possessed me to write this. Maybe the fumes from your obnoxious scented paper are getting to me. But I guess I kind of miss you too._

Zelos looked up from the letter and smiled. Sebastian was going to get one heck of a raise.

* * *

A/N: Reuploaded November 2010 to fix formatting issues... I clicked on this story one day and all the dividers were gone. It's back to normal now. Sorry to anyone who found this extremely confusing to read in the meantime!


End file.
